Fall....

The sun is shining, the light is fall.  The scenery perfect,  I look at my watch.  Five hours of work before I can run.  Sunrise used to be my time, I could wake up and race the sun as it rose in the East, each footstep one step closer to a new day, a new opportunity.  Not anymore.  Now, I have enough confidence in my run to be able to run anytime, anywhere, to escape from what I want to escape from and be me.  To run, to feel free.  Like today.

 I run, step after step, lifting my feet mile after mile but still the brain in my head is saying STOP.  I look at my garmin, 8.64 miles. "This is pathetic," I think to myself.  I never used to stop before 10 miles.  That USED to be my easy run.  What is wrong with me?  As soon as that thought enters my mind, my right knee twinges, my right shoulder tweaks and my back on the lower right side completely feels locked up.  I pull over to the left side of the bike path and rip my iPod buds out of my ears, throwing them to the ground, take my garmin off and throw it beside the earphones.  "what the eff?" I scream out loud frightening a lovely summer touristy couple as they pedal past nonchalantly on their schwinns.  "WHY is this so hard?" I used to leave my house at the crack of dawn every day and push out 15-20 miles no sweat before dawn. Why can I not finish 10 miles at my 6:30 pace like i did without any thought before?  What is wrong with me?

I begin to  walk away from my stuff and think.  What was different? what was the same?  How did I feel then?  How do I feel now? What was I doing in my life? Where am I now?  Where am I headed?
I walk for about fifteen minutes before it hits me.

I used to run because of the science, because of the escape from life, because of the excuse it gave me for time.  I wanted to be the best...hell, I didn't want to be the best, I HAD to be the best, and I would break everything else in my life in order to do so.  That is where I was.

I love my minis.  With my whole heart, I love being able to spend time with them, to do new things...they started a new tradition of a "family run" everyday after school  a .25 mile run to the seagrass park down the street and back, for which we all get dressed appropriately and properly "hydrate," I love spending Sundays with them and with my friends and having my friends introduce all of us to ways of the island, like digging for steamers and cooking our dinner.  This is now.  This is what it is all about.  Yes, my mile pace has suffered, yes, if you put me in a 5k right now, there is a chance I would not win.  But for the first time in my life ask me the important question....


DO I CARE?

The answer, as I walk back towards my stupid garmin and all judges equipment is no.  I do not.  I started to run because I wanted my minis to look up to me.  I want them to simply know who they are looking up to, and I cherish every single second of my time with them.  I pick up my watch and earphones, reluctantly plug them both in but pay them no regard until I finish my run...constant, steady and strong eight and a half miles later.  I finish up, walk to my
 car and head straight to my minis ready for a night of ice cream sundaes, movies and snuggles.